Hey, I was wondering if I could interest you in looking over my next novel and giving me some feedback on how I can improve the story and make it irresistible to potential publishers and agents. Especially the first chapter. I currently have the manuscript posted on Inkitt, and according to the analytic data, I’ve gotten about 350 readers for the first chapter, but there’s a significant dropoff after that, and very few people read past chapter five (and nobody read past chapter 12). I want to know where and how I lost my readers and what I can do to remedy that. If you could look my story over and give me some constructive critique, I would greatly appreciate it.
My book is called….
It’s an Urban Adventure Thriller with some Fantasy elements splashed in. If you like franchises like National Treasure, Tomb Raider and Indiana Jones, you might enjoy this story.
The Pitch:
Marty is an upperclass jerk living in the Northside of Chicago, who prides himself on being a self-made success story, without any help. While searching for a lost flash drive vital to his job, he runs into Ana, an alluring tomb raider who recovers magic artifacts and sells them to the highest bidder. She tells Marty that his deceased father hid a particularly powerful magic artifact he discovered somewhere in the rough and tumble Southside of Chicago where Marty grew up for the two of them to find.
Now, with hired goons hot on his tail, Marty must must decipher cryptic clues leading to its whereabouts, while dealing with everything from a Russian gun runner to two different biker gangs to a shadowy secret society to his own mother, along with a myriad of supernatural booby traps that defy human logic.
Along the way, Marty realizes that the self-made success story he was so proud of was a lie; his father orchestrated every aspect of Marty’s climb to the top, including both Ana’s involvement (that’s not her real name, by the way) and the man who hired her to find Marty and retrieve the artifact. He must find the artifact to restore his now shattered personal life and career, get those goons off of his back before his enemies get him killed, and – most importantly – prove once and for all that he never needed his father’s help.
Are you interested? (if not, then I need to work more on my Query pitch. I’ll accept critique of that, too.)
If you are, click the link below and check my story out!
You can email me your constructive critique at quannage @ gmail.com.